In Which Jack Got the Doctor Drunk
by Coral542383
Summary: ...and the Headache is Non-Alcohol Related. You know what the worst part is? I never got to eat the noodles!


In Which Jack Got the Doctor Drunk (and the Headache is Non-Alcohol Related)

The plan was perfect. Well, mostly, at least in theory. Okay, it didn't actually work, but it wasn't my fault, really.

Well, mostly.

I couldn't get into the house fast enough because of the Pervisionafzis guarding it (for some reason it had nothing to do with their perfect hearing, and everything to do with their lack of a nose) and when I finally got into the house a Boks'ave shot me and hit my left arm (and I have no idea how he could do that with that monkey in his… well). By the time I reached the basement the alarm was blaring, but, apparently, someone accidentally changed the tune to _Seven Nation Army_, so while everyone were trying to put order to the chaos I managed to kidnap the (very uncooperative) prisoner and get out of there.

That was the simple part.

I knocked out the prisoner (lemons always worked on Nalejers, but not this time, so I had to drug him) and dragged him back to base. My current partner waited for me there with noodles, but refused to let me eat; I got the wrong prisoner.

That wasn't the bad part.

Turns out, the prisoner I kidnapped was a threat to Kaozvia's national security (I have no idea how he got switched with the one I wanted to kidnap, or why prison guards would bring a prisoner to that house in the first place), so they blocked the entire city to look for him. My partner and I had to figure out how to lead the ANSK (Agency for the National Security of Kaozvia) agents to the prisoner in less than twelve hours without implicating ourselves. We got out of base and went to a bar on the other side of town.

I recognized him as soon as I walked in.

I didn't actually know who he was (a few years later I figured it out, and it made me laugh like there was no tomorrow), but one peek in a confidential Time Agency file with the text "…no wonder the guy's a chess master…" in a report with his picture attached three years ago (or twelve years from now) was good enough for me.

I told my partner to wait at the table closest to the flood exit (the bar was in a no-fire zone) because I had an idea, went up to the guy's table and invited him for a drink.

Mistake number two.

We talked for half an hour, in which I would order two drinks at a time, wait for him to finish, pour my drink into his glass, wait for him to finish that and repeat. I did it one last time and asked him, while he was too drunk to remember the event, what should I do if I need ANSK agents to find a prisoner in less than eleven hours.

The answer I got… well.

He told me I needed a time machine (vortex manipulator, check), Leadworth (I looked that one up, it's a village in England), Cardiff (I already knew it was a city in Wales), 2 sheds (I could get them), a flashlight (check), a cracked wall (got one back in base), 2 apples, yoghurt, bacon, beans, bread, butter (illegal in Kaozvia, and I needed them from Earth, apparently), fish fingers (could buy some), custard (already had some for… well), a plastic box (the noodles were in one), a glass (check), a peeler (check, because you could always use a peeler), a sonic screwdriver (I raised an eyebrow at that one), psychic paper (no, not a fake ID), an unused room (check), a cricket bat (check, funny story that one), hand cuffs (oh, check), a radiator (yes, a broken one counts), a fake police uniform (I told him the city we were in doesn't have police, and he said I needed an English police uniform, take from that what you will), 2 cell phones (check), a laptop (no, he doesn't care that they're not made anymore), a fire engine (I had no way to get that, so he said a truck with a tall strong ladder and a siren would be just as good), a hacker (not the device, a person), a nurse (who works in a hospital) and Amy Pond.

I asked him where could I find her, and he said that she was with the nurse. I asked him where the nurse was and he said he was right behind me. I turned around and then I woke up in the hospital handcuffed to the bed with slight pain on my left cheek. I looked to my right and spotted my partner standing with my cricket bat in one hand and the box with the noodles in the other one. She told me she was going to get out of town and take a shuttle to the Tedrichmae solar system, but before that needed to make sure I wouldn't tell on her to the ANSK.

That's not the worst part.

Apparently, there was a hidden security camera at that bar. The ANSK agents watched it and reached a conclusion; I got a minor drunk (yes, the guy looked young, but he couldn't be that young) and almost got him to commit a crime (technically I didn't, I just asked him what should I do while in the boundaries of theory, but no, that's not good enough), his big brother (they didn't seem related to me) punched me in the face (a few hours after I woke up and the pain killers wore off, I found out exactly how painful that was) to defend him (to defend the redheaded woman he was with seemed more likely to me) and my partner and his wife (the redheaded woman, Amy Pond) got into a shouting match (his wife did most of the shouting while he tried to hold her back).

Add some background music and prerecorded laughter and you've got yourself a pretty good sitcom scene, while the ANSK agents got condemning evidence against me.

What a headache.

The End


End file.
